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Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Porn and Sex and "Pasta Attachments"

The other day I took part in a three hour psychological survey on pornography. Before you go getting the wrong idea, I promise I'm not as big a perv as that sentence lets on. But I was three credits behind in my case studies for psychology, and I only had five days to go, so it was either talk about porn or talk about my mother. I chose the one least likely to leave me feeling like I needed to scrub with bleach at the end of the day.

I know a lot of people don't like porn. They think it's immoral or shameful or embarrassing or anti-feminist, or whatever, and if that's how they feel, then that's how they feel. Personally, I'm OK with it, but I can think of better ways to spend an afternoon. When I was in my early twenties, working three retail jobs and struggling to pay rent on time, I reviewed porn for food money, so it will always have a special place in my loins. I mean, my heart. Nowadays, though, I view it much as I would a Jonas brother--pointless and kind of boring, but I can see why some people might like it.

Anyway, so I'm answering these questions about porn, and some of them are a doozy. Have you ever appeared in an adult film? (My answer: No.) Have you ever wanted to appear in an adult film? (My answer: who else is starring and do I get to wear cool shoes and would it be Highlander themed and can I be Methos?) Would you ever watch an adult film in 3D? (My answer: who would?)

The questions lasted about an hour, and after that, I took my credits and ran far, far away. Probably not unlike the people in the porn films I'd just surveyed.

One of the unfortunate side effects of having viewed a bunch of sexually deviant material, though, is that Amazon has a tendency to "recommend" things based on your keywords. Which is why, when I was trying to order a pasta machine attachment for my KitchenAid stand mixer yesterday, I kept getting redirected to . . . other attachments, attachments I will not link you to because I like you too much.

And no, I'm not trying to be evasive. I'm trying to keep it clean. Really, I am. And if I could think of a euphemism for a Kitchenaid attachment that allows a person to fuck herself with a STAND MIXER, I would use it. But alas, I don't. I attribute this mostly to the fact that in the three years I've had my stand mixer, I've never once had the urge to strap on a cock, wriggle out of my panties, and straddle the damn thing.

I know, I know. I'M USING IT WRONG.

But as I was looking at that other attachment, I couldn't help but wonder, who would spend that much money on a mixer they're only going to use for sex? I mean, I felt guilty for months after I bought mine, because I only bought it because I was too lazy to knead my own dough.

(I realized later that's probably why the people with the other attachment bought theirs, too.)

And how do you explain a standing mixer in your bedroom, anyway? It's not like you can pretend it's a flashlight or maybe a back massager like some other toys.

The second thing that popped into my head was, what if the people with the other attachments don't just use their stand mixer for sex? And it's times like these I wish I didn't have an overactive imagination, because that's when my mind became overrun with images of birthday cakes gone wrong and the possible secret ingredient of Grandma's "special" mashed potatoes...

Right now, all you normal people out there are shielding your children from my website and hurrying to click the "unfollow" button at the top of your screens. And hey, I don't blame you. But rest assured you can count your blessings on one thing:

At least I didn't tell you about the guy and the horse.

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